losing my life...

My life seems like a huge mess right now. I do not feel very secure in many areas of my life mentally, academically, and spiritually. But I am beginning to realize this is more of a spiritual struggle than I thought. Looking at my life with this idea, I see how I have been being tempted by so many things. Things like self-reliance, knowledge, worldly ways of life and thinking, and selfish goals. I know I probably portray something different, and I see that the things I am involved in are not necessarily bad, but I know that I am missing the mark.

Amidst all of my toil in becoming a better person and doing well in things I put my mind to, I have not placed enough focus on God, but maybe in my speech it sounds different. I dream of doing big things in my life for God, yet I don't make time to spend with Him. I first need to have that relationship with him and not make any other area of my life more important than him. This is so easy to do because there are so many distractions in this world, but we have heard this spiritual life is a battle right? I feel the battle. I know I am hurting and depressed right now, but I see it as God trying to get my attention. I feel like I am breaking down, but with that all I can depend on is God. I can't depend on myself and my self-efficacy. I have been fooled into thinking I was being humble and giving God the credit for my life direction, but as soon as my ability was recently altered I see how I cannot rely on myself. God is in control and what it comes down to is summarized well in Matthew 16:25...

If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it.
But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.

Lately I have been questioning whether I want to go into medicine or not. It seems funny for that to trigger such a hard time in my life, but I really put a lot of value in that goal. For the last few weeks I have been up and down in my emotions trying to figure out what else I can do in life. I was overwhelmed with thoughts of wanting to do something great (for God, and because of pride for me as well) and worried about not being useful in my life. Doesn't everyone want that in some way? However, this verse brings light to my situation and helps me to see that I am hanging on to my life. I am hanging on to what I know, to plans I can conjure up, but dwelling on these things are exactly the things bringing me down. The worry and the feeling of inadequacy are preventing me from moving forward in life. But this verse explains another way to live, and that is to give it all up. That means to give up what I am holding on to so tightly, such as the titles, the grades, the political opinions, the worry, the plans; I must give them to God and let go of my life. It is when I focus on him and not those other things that He can really use me and make my desires to serve him become a reality. He must become God to me, the thing I dwell on the most and look towards for direction and motives. He must become my true love; the other things cannot take his place.

I can write this now, but it will not be an easy process. This is going to be a change of life and the temptations I deal with now will not go away. If Satan knows these are weaknesses of mine, they can be used against me throughout my life. I hold on to God though, that is all I can do right now is hold on to Him with all that I have. I will not lose my faith because it is what gives me life!