losing my life...

My life seems like a huge mess right now. I do not feel very secure in many areas of my life mentally, academically, and spiritually. But I am beginning to realize this is more of a spiritual struggle than I thought. Looking at my life with this idea, I see how I have been being tempted by so many things. Things like self-reliance, knowledge, worldly ways of life and thinking, and selfish goals. I know I probably portray something different, and I see that the things I am involved in are not necessarily bad, but I know that I am missing the mark.

Amidst all of my toil in becoming a better person and doing well in things I put my mind to, I have not placed enough focus on God, but maybe in my speech it sounds different. I dream of doing big things in my life for God, yet I don't make time to spend with Him. I first need to have that relationship with him and not make any other area of my life more important than him. This is so easy to do because there are so many distractions in this world, but we have heard this spiritual life is a battle right? I feel the battle. I know I am hurting and depressed right now, but I see it as God trying to get my attention. I feel like I am breaking down, but with that all I can depend on is God. I can't depend on myself and my self-efficacy. I have been fooled into thinking I was being humble and giving God the credit for my life direction, but as soon as my ability was recently altered I see how I cannot rely on myself. God is in control and what it comes down to is summarized well in Matthew 16:25...

If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it.
But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.

Lately I have been questioning whether I want to go into medicine or not. It seems funny for that to trigger such a hard time in my life, but I really put a lot of value in that goal. For the last few weeks I have been up and down in my emotions trying to figure out what else I can do in life. I was overwhelmed with thoughts of wanting to do something great (for God, and because of pride for me as well) and worried about not being useful in my life. Doesn't everyone want that in some way? However, this verse brings light to my situation and helps me to see that I am hanging on to my life. I am hanging on to what I know, to plans I can conjure up, but dwelling on these things are exactly the things bringing me down. The worry and the feeling of inadequacy are preventing me from moving forward in life. But this verse explains another way to live, and that is to give it all up. That means to give up what I am holding on to so tightly, such as the titles, the grades, the political opinions, the worry, the plans; I must give them to God and let go of my life. It is when I focus on him and not those other things that He can really use me and make my desires to serve him become a reality. He must become God to me, the thing I dwell on the most and look towards for direction and motives. He must become my true love; the other things cannot take his place.

I can write this now, but it will not be an easy process. This is going to be a change of life and the temptations I deal with now will not go away. If Satan knows these are weaknesses of mine, they can be used against me throughout my life. I hold on to God though, that is all I can do right now is hold on to Him with all that I have. I will not lose my faith because it is what gives me life!

one more thing...

I also want to share with you a highlight of my week. I went in to speak with a professor and ask for a recommendation to Ecuador, and it ended up being an amazing conversation of faith. He had similar stories of the decisions one has to make while in school and in life, and by the end of the conversation he had revealed to me that he was also a Christian. It was so great because it opened up our speech to really say what was on our minds. I have never experienced this connection with any advisor or professor on campus and it was such an exciting thing.

trying to write...

Tonight I saw Blood Diamond with two of my friends. It is a powerful movie which made me weap at the end. I was not just crying, but more like convulsing because of the pain and hell so much of this world goes through. Movies, writings, and experiences often bring me to this state of mind as I am sure they do to many people. Reality can be a horrible thing.
My post is titled "trying to write" because I internalize so much of what I feel about these matters of corruption and injustice. I internalize it so much that I do not know how to put words to my thoughts. Someone at Stone Soup today told me I should write a book; I don't think he meant anything by it or maybe he did, but in any event it has inspired me to at least be more diligent in expressing my thoughts publicly. You will have to excuse my rambles and nonsense as I use this blog to talk out loud.
Lately, I have been feeling really weighed down by this world. I know it is not perfect, and I am beginning to see that more and more. I feel held back by society and its rules/expectations, but who am I to complain because I live in a nation where I am safe to walk the streets, to say what I want, and to believe what I want. I have freedom or as much freedom as you can have on this Earth. What am I supposed to do with that freedom? How can I be of service? How can I make sure that my life is not wasted and that my resources and support are not given to me in vain?
I am not sure the answers to those questions, and as I mentioned in the previous blog I am for the first time without a plan. I have ideas of course, but I know that right now I am inadequate to follow through with any of them. Life is a process, and one that needs to be given to me with God's timing. He knows when I can handle certain facts and when I can best succeed at something. I trust He will lead the way because He has written it to be true.
It is a bit scary putting these thoughts to words I now realize because with that comes a greater responsibility. I don't want to be known as someone who just talked, but I want to follow up my convictions with action. Although I am unsure of how I sound to those who are reading this, but I hope you can hear the sincerity I have as I write. My words aren't light, but fill my mind daily. There is hope though, and I know that there is good amongst all the bad; there is light in the darkness.

it's been a long time...

Hello again - So sorry for the long delay. I will not write a lot as of now because it would take pages to recap all that has been happening since September! However, I am doing well. I am in my second week of Winter term and it has been so eventful.

I am President of Mortar Board National Honor Society, and we are fairly busy. Right now we are doing a bookdrive to raise money for books for a few local elementary and middle school classes. We also are beginning our application process for the next year, discussing next year's student planner (the one I designed last year), and having dialog on how to form a scholarship for a couple incoming students. It has been such good leadership experience to reorganize this club and implement new ideas to help the legacy of it.

Last term I began the preliminary steps to begin my undergraduate thesis. I will be stepping into the field of medical anthropology and it is sending me on a whirlwind of new ideas and information I never knew existed. I have increasingly become interested in other cultures and the world outside of the US, although sometimes to my parents and other family's dismay. As always I am very concerned about my family's interest and support in my life as it is what has gotten me thus far and I am forever grateful. I am however really excited about this time in my life, especially the opportunity to explore new things. I feel like my education is getting more personal. I am taking a more active role in my Spanish class and personal efficiency of the language, and I have been seeking time with my professors and contacts in the professional world to learn more of the direction I would like to take.

I hope you all received my letter about Brazil; it was an amazing trip and the effect it has had is unexpectantly large because it also has a part of the previous paragraph. I always pray that I will be an effective person for people and society. I can't thank God enough for His grace and protection.

love and peace to you.