looking up...

I am sorry to have worried my family. I reread my blog posts, and I am unsure of how you perceive them. Maybe they are too vague that it makes it seem worse than they are. The last title "losing my life" was not a negative phrase. It was meant to go along with the verse I wrote down and how as Christians we are to lose our life (and things we can't let go of) and follow God. There are so many things that we can hold as idols rather than God himself. These idols can come in surprising forms, even things like wanting to work for some "cause". It makes sense that God is to be first because it redirects our perceptions; in my case it could protect me from becoming so overwhelmed with the things of this world (which seem to be the main theme of my last few posts, apparently Brazil had more of an impact than I thought).

I want to ease your minds; things are looking up for me. I am looking into a new career path/future lifestyle that may fit me better, and it is one that I am very excited about. My parents came to visit me this weekend and have been relieved by my decision. I work best with a goal, so this should help me from being so worried as well. I will write a better update later; as for now I just wanted to leave a lighter note on my blog.

Although for some of you this is all you get to read about me, I want you to know that I do have fun and joy in my life as well. I know that I may have some intense thoughts, and they definitely wear me out sometimes, but my life isn't always like this. I will try to write more of the positive things so I present a clearer picture of what my life is. But I also know that everyone has worries; I am just usually very transparent about what I am going through.

losing my life...

My life seems like a huge mess right now. I do not feel very secure in many areas of my life mentally, academically, and spiritually. But I am beginning to realize this is more of a spiritual struggle than I thought. Looking at my life with this idea, I see how I have been being tempted by so many things. Things like self-reliance, knowledge, worldly ways of life and thinking, and selfish goals. I know I probably portray something different, and I see that the things I am involved in are not necessarily bad, but I know that I am missing the mark.

Amidst all of my toil in becoming a better person and doing well in things I put my mind to, I have not placed enough focus on God, but maybe in my speech it sounds different. I dream of doing big things in my life for God, yet I don't make time to spend with Him. I first need to have that relationship with him and not make any other area of my life more important than him. This is so easy to do because there are so many distractions in this world, but we have heard this spiritual life is a battle right? I feel the battle. I know I am hurting and depressed right now, but I see it as God trying to get my attention. I feel like I am breaking down, but with that all I can depend on is God. I can't depend on myself and my self-efficacy. I have been fooled into thinking I was being humble and giving God the credit for my life direction, but as soon as my ability was recently altered I see how I cannot rely on myself. God is in control and what it comes down to is summarized well in Matthew 16:25...

If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it.
But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.

Lately I have been questioning whether I want to go into medicine or not. It seems funny for that to trigger such a hard time in my life, but I really put a lot of value in that goal. For the last few weeks I have been up and down in my emotions trying to figure out what else I can do in life. I was overwhelmed with thoughts of wanting to do something great (for God, and because of pride for me as well) and worried about not being useful in my life. Doesn't everyone want that in some way? However, this verse brings light to my situation and helps me to see that I am hanging on to my life. I am hanging on to what I know, to plans I can conjure up, but dwelling on these things are exactly the things bringing me down. The worry and the feeling of inadequacy are preventing me from moving forward in life. But this verse explains another way to live, and that is to give it all up. That means to give up what I am holding on to so tightly, such as the titles, the grades, the political opinions, the worry, the plans; I must give them to God and let go of my life. It is when I focus on him and not those other things that He can really use me and make my desires to serve him become a reality. He must become God to me, the thing I dwell on the most and look towards for direction and motives. He must become my true love; the other things cannot take his place.

I can write this now, but it will not be an easy process. This is going to be a change of life and the temptations I deal with now will not go away. If Satan knows these are weaknesses of mine, they can be used against me throughout my life. I hold on to God though, that is all I can do right now is hold on to Him with all that I have. I will not lose my faith because it is what gives me life!

one more thing...

I also want to share with you a highlight of my week. I went in to speak with a professor and ask for a recommendation to Ecuador, and it ended up being an amazing conversation of faith. He had similar stories of the decisions one has to make while in school and in life, and by the end of the conversation he had revealed to me that he was also a Christian. It was so great because it opened up our speech to really say what was on our minds. I have never experienced this connection with any advisor or professor on campus and it was such an exciting thing.

trying to write...

Tonight I saw Blood Diamond with two of my friends. It is a powerful movie which made me weap at the end. I was not just crying, but more like convulsing because of the pain and hell so much of this world goes through. Movies, writings, and experiences often bring me to this state of mind as I am sure they do to many people. Reality can be a horrible thing.
My post is titled "trying to write" because I internalize so much of what I feel about these matters of corruption and injustice. I internalize it so much that I do not know how to put words to my thoughts. Someone at Stone Soup today told me I should write a book; I don't think he meant anything by it or maybe he did, but in any event it has inspired me to at least be more diligent in expressing my thoughts publicly. You will have to excuse my rambles and nonsense as I use this blog to talk out loud.
Lately, I have been feeling really weighed down by this world. I know it is not perfect, and I am beginning to see that more and more. I feel held back by society and its rules/expectations, but who am I to complain because I live in a nation where I am safe to walk the streets, to say what I want, and to believe what I want. I have freedom or as much freedom as you can have on this Earth. What am I supposed to do with that freedom? How can I be of service? How can I make sure that my life is not wasted and that my resources and support are not given to me in vain?
I am not sure the answers to those questions, and as I mentioned in the previous blog I am for the first time without a plan. I have ideas of course, but I know that right now I am inadequate to follow through with any of them. Life is a process, and one that needs to be given to me with God's timing. He knows when I can handle certain facts and when I can best succeed at something. I trust He will lead the way because He has written it to be true.
It is a bit scary putting these thoughts to words I now realize because with that comes a greater responsibility. I don't want to be known as someone who just talked, but I want to follow up my convictions with action. Although I am unsure of how I sound to those who are reading this, but I hope you can hear the sincerity I have as I write. My words aren't light, but fill my mind daily. There is hope though, and I know that there is good amongst all the bad; there is light in the darkness.

it's been a long time...

Hello again - So sorry for the long delay. I will not write a lot as of now because it would take pages to recap all that has been happening since September! However, I am doing well. I am in my second week of Winter term and it has been so eventful.

I am President of Mortar Board National Honor Society, and we are fairly busy. Right now we are doing a bookdrive to raise money for books for a few local elementary and middle school classes. We also are beginning our application process for the next year, discussing next year's student planner (the one I designed last year), and having dialog on how to form a scholarship for a couple incoming students. It has been such good leadership experience to reorganize this club and implement new ideas to help the legacy of it.

Last term I began the preliminary steps to begin my undergraduate thesis. I will be stepping into the field of medical anthropology and it is sending me on a whirlwind of new ideas and information I never knew existed. I have increasingly become interested in other cultures and the world outside of the US, although sometimes to my parents and other family's dismay. As always I am very concerned about my family's interest and support in my life as it is what has gotten me thus far and I am forever grateful. I am however really excited about this time in my life, especially the opportunity to explore new things. I feel like my education is getting more personal. I am taking a more active role in my Spanish class and personal efficiency of the language, and I have been seeking time with my professors and contacts in the professional world to learn more of the direction I would like to take.

I hope you all received my letter about Brazil; it was an amazing trip and the effect it has had is unexpectantly large because it also has a part of the previous paragraph. I always pray that I will be an effective person for people and society. I can't thank God enough for His grace and protection.

love and peace to you.

tag you're it...

Melinda sent me this game. I am afraid it is going to bring out the nerdy side of me...

The Rules: 1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts. 2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves. 3. People who are tagged need to write a post on their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules. 4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. 5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Random Facts: #1: In Jr. High I was known as the girl with tinted glasses. #2: I was 5th place in the state of Oregon for girl's high school bowling, but now w/ lack of practice don't claim to be a bowler #3: I am an only child. #4: I secretly (or not so secretly) would like to be a hippy; I like the eclectic, natural, and relaxed lifestyle. #5: I love to cross off things in my planner/to do list. #6: I have a sand collection...little pieces of the world. #7: I would say I am an adventurous eater. #8: I like to go to the doctor's office because it is always interesting to me.

Abdullah, Alan .. TAG, YOU'RE IT!!
I don't know many bloggers, but I will look for more people I konw.

horrible grammar...

I just went back and read some blogs I have previously written, and I was appalled! My grammar is not very good at all. I quickly write what is on my mind and miss the proofreading step. This is unfortunate because then you all have to read run-on sentences, punctuation errors, and misplaced words. Honestly, I really am a college student, and I do know how to write! Sorry, and I will try to do better :).

how...

Does anyone know how I can add that special Links feature, so I can keep posted on others blogs?

summer...

Hmm, what have I been doing lately? Most of the time it is just a blur, but I will try to remember. I have been still doing school....one more week of anatomy, then I get a two week break! Things are picking up with Mortar Board, and I am just trying to pull things together for the first of the year. I am so excited be leading a group like this, and am especially excited to be working with certain people in the group. I met with my friend Kyung for coffee the other day. She is the VP of Mortar Board, so I imagine we will be spending a lot of time together, and I knew her from 2:42. Anyhow, it was so great to talk to her because it is encouraging to have a believer headed in the same direction (med school) as me; we were really able to relate about the struggles we face in this pre-profession.

That same day I lucked out and got a ticket to the first football game of the year!! Those of you who know me at all, probably also know that I get easily bored with things like sports, or movies...it may be a downfall of mine. However, I was really excited to go to a friend's tailgater, and see a lot of friends at the game that I haven't seen in awhile. I realized I get really distracted in big crowds; somehow I missed a ten minute pause in the game for a broken leg that happened to the other team! How can someone miss that?!

Last night, after what seemed like fate not wanting us to go (late anatomy lab, lost cell phones, gas stations with technical problems, etc.), my friends Jen, Brock, and I went up to a college church group in Portland called the Way. There was a concert/guest worship artist we went to see. It was good to be amongst so many other people worshiping God together. After that I got so energized because I once again got to see a lot of people I hadn't in awhile, but had a hard time holding a conversation because I was so excited/distracted by all the people. Haha it was a lot of fun though, and we went to Red Robin where I was actually able to talk with everyone. I need to take more pictures so I can remember these times.

Today, I went to Body World 3 at OMSI. It was pretty cool, especially after a summer of anatomy. Did I mention only one more week of school?!! Hurray!

much too short...

This past weekend I went home because it was my Dad's 45th birthday (hehe embrace the age dad, it just means you are that much wiser!). I drove home on a Friday night after my classes, went to dinner with my parents, had a great visit with my Pastor's family, and got to see Derek who has been in Roseburg working all summer. It was a great start to the weekend, and filled with a lot of necessary catching up! The next day was just as good because I got to prepare the food for my dad's party with my mom, and my two good friends Misti and Collin...he was mostly there for support :) Later that evening I spent the night with my friend Jacquie from church which is always encouraging because her faith just overflows. I am privelaged to be challenged by her.

Finally, the next morning I went to my home church, the one that I grew up in as a Christian. I started going there and really seeking God when I was in 10th grade, and that church family had a huge part in cultivating my faith. Sometimes it is hard to go back because when you don't see anyone for awhile conversations seem superficial when you are flooded with the "how have you been? oh, good..How about you? good, thanks." Those types of conversations wear me out. I wish people could just be real, but honestly it isn't the best setting when you have a couple minutes and then the next person walks up. There just isn't enough time to be honest with one another, not even considering the distance that is put between people when you have been gone for so long.

This time was different though. Of course there were the two sentence conversations, but I was able to connect with a couple of people while I was there, and that was enough to fill my need. In the end, this weekend was much too short. I wish I had had more time to visit with other good friends, or just more time with the ones that I did see. I love being in Corvallis, but all the activity here keeps me away from the people I love back home. I suppose that is part of growing up and going to school, but more time would be nice.

When I came back from Roseburg, I was able to come home to a house with roommates though! My two volleyball player roommates have been back for a few days before they are off to another tournament, and it is always fun to have other people around the house! It is going to be a good year, I just know it.

the first dinner...

Last night my friend Jen Weiss and I, brought the house on 12th street into the loop of places to have dinner at with our friends!! I have been waiting for this moment for a couple of years now. I love to have people over, and we were finally given the chance to reciprocate the many dinners we have enjoyed at our other friends' houses! For the last two years I have lived in the dorms or co-op, and now I am living in my own place with 4 awesome girls! As of now, I am the only one consistently living there during the summer, but the others have at least dropped by or stayed for a couple of weeks. The summer has been a great time to get all of the kinks of renting out, so we can be ready to go when fall starts. Right now we are without a toilet :S not the best situation, but luckily I have a good friend (Meghan) who is letting me stay at her place. Since I have been living on my own, it has been cool to see how my group of friends takes care of each other. It is really a great thing to experience!

I am lucky to have them, and get to see them on a regular basis like tonight at 2:42. For those of you who do not know, I am part of a college christian group called 2:42 (based off of Acts 2:42). Every Tuesday in the summer we have been meeting at the Ameele's house for an amazing dinner and bible study. The Ameele's are parents of my friend Brock, but they help out on so many aspects of the college group (welcoming us into their home, discipleship, encouragement, service to the group, and the list goes on). I greatly appreciate their commitment to us, as I know so many of us do! (Thank you!)

stuck in Ohio...

Hi everyone! Sorry I have not written anything in so long, I actually forgot I had a blog until my Grandpa Slater reminded me :) So, by the title of this post, I am sure you can all guess that my flight out of Ohio was cancelled, but I bet the question is...what am I doing over there?! I just went for the weekend to a National conference for Mortar Board Senior Honor Society that I am president of. It has been a good weekend learning all about the organization and its ideals (Scholarship, Leadership, and Service). I am excited to go back and start the year building up our chapter because it could use some improvements. I have written down goals for the year, and I cannot wait to see them happen!! It is great to a have a group to implement service projects with because so much more can be done.

So, a little update on what has been going on in my world. I was a bridesmaid in a wedding last weekend. It was beautiful, and so was my friend getting married! I met her my freshman year of college, and I was honored to be in her wedding. It is only the beginning of the weddings to come; next weekend I am headed to Seattle for my cousin William's wedding! It's crazy to think I am getting to that age, although I am unlike these two because I do not believe that is in my future any time soon. Sorry to disappoint any of you, although I am sure you do not mind. There is a lot to see and do before I am ready for that.

Well, I have an anatomy midterm to study for....that is one nice thing about being stuck in a hotel. I have to study! I will try to do this more often, so you do not miss anything too important because I am sure I am forgetting a few things. Oh! there is one cool story...the other night I went to dinner with some friends and I was just so amazed by the group I was with because we were all from so many different walks of life. We all have different beliefs and backgrounds; one is from Kuwait, another from South Korea, and still another with a very different life story than mine. I love the diversity you get on a college campus! It is probably one of my favorite things at this point of my life. I just called my dad the other day 30 minutes before a final unable to concentrate because all I could think about was how I wanted to have an international career. It will be interesting to see where I find myself five, ten years from now, but I am not in a rush to get there. I am enjoying myself right were I am. Love to you all!

not sleeping....

So, I have been up for the last two hours (since 3am) because I have not been able to sleep. Sometimes I just start thinking about things, my dad says he is glad he doesn't have to live with my mind. I don't want to bore any of you or sound like I am preaching, but I guess a lot of times I feel like I can never do enough, that there are so many people in this world with need, but not enough help. I couldn't even write an impressive article about the subject because my thoughts are so incomplete. All I know is that I want to live in a way where the people I encounter can feel as if they are important. I guess that is the goal of becoming a doctor, to be able to serve people in a practical way, be able to promote an abundant life, be a person who listens to those who aren't heard. I could be so much better at this, but I say that because it is what drives me to keep going, not to get compliments which I feel inadequate to receive. I have been so blessed by God, that I know I can do so much more. I could ramble on longer, but I think I will leave it at that. I am a little tired, so I think I will try to sleep some more. I will write more of an update on what I have been doing lately later. Goodnight.

stuck in the library...

Right now I am back in the library studying for my last two finals, and I am taking a break! I have two more to go, nutrition on Thursday and organic chemistry on Friday. I have pretty much been studying nonstop. Yesterday, I did have a break for the last 2:42 of the year, that is my church group, and my friend Alan Perry who has been in England for the last school year came back to town!! It was so good to see him. My friends are coming back home...just in time to leave for the summer again, but that is ok because I know they are close enough to visit. Today I was able to have lunch with him and catch up a bit, but so much happens in a year. I also got to learn how to play a little tennis today; it was surprisingly a lot of fun considering I am not much of a sports person.

Well I must get back to studying, but I must say one more thing. I do have the ability to post pictures on this thing and I am planning on doing that soon when I have more time to mess around on the computer, so stay tuned for some photos of my life :)
Hope life is treating you all well. Much love!

a fun week...

Dead week (the week before finals) has just started, but I was able to have a lot of fun this last week and weekend. My friend Jordan came back from Africa after graduating college, he was teaching at a missionary school in the area where his uncle practices medicine...good connection to have! Jordan, however, came down to Corvallis to see some of his friends and brought his dad's Camaro with him; long story short...I got to drive the car!! It was amazing. It had so much power and I got to go really fast, but don't worry I had complete control :) This drive just warmed me up for the jaguar I had a chance to drive later that weekend. It was just a fast car week, which is ok with me because I enjoy those types of things!

On a safer note, I went to a John Mayer and Ben Fold's concert up in Clark County, WA on Friday night. I had some friends from Roseburg and Corvallis going as well. He put on a good show; I was impressed with his performing ability. It was at the same place my dad and I went to see Tom Petty the summer before so the crowd was a little different and the air was a bit cleaner ;)

Saturday morning I went to help at Stone Soup as usual. It is a community kitchen that I have been involved in for over a year; I have even been able to serve as head cook about once a month. After that, I floated the river in Corvallis with a group of friends. Floating on tubes is a common activity in Roseburg, but I had never done it in Corvallis. It was a really nice day to be out. Finally, that evening I went to my first bridal shower of the summer. I have another one in two weeks. The weddings have begun!

On Sunday I went to a church service that the Mayor of Corvallis spoke at, and I was able to meet him. Come to find out he is fairly good friends with my boss at the Linus Pauling Institute, small world I guess.

Now, it is Monday and I have to begin thinking about studying for my finals next week. There are supposed to be clouds and rain for the next ten days which I hope will be very conducive for my studies!

finally! i'm getting paid...

When I first came to OSU, I knew that I wanted to gain some experience in a research lab. At OSU there is a well-known micronutrient research center called the Linus Pauling Institute (LPI), after the famous Vitamin C researcher. Since my major is Nutrition Science, I sought after a position in the Vitamin E lab. After about a year of attending lab meetings, then almost nine months of training and trying to prove myself, I will finally be getting paid for my work!

This has been one of the most challenging things I have ever done. The actual test I run is to measure how much Vitamin E is in a plasma or tissue sample. I do a lot of pipetting which is all about accuracy. It has taken awhile to be sufficient enough with the technique. Then, I analyze the data I collect, and try to understand the knowledge and reasoning behind the processes I am involved in. I often leave the lab with my brain completely exhausted from trying to make sense of it all. Although it is really hard work, it is very rewarding, and I enjoy the challenge.

time to catch up...

I only have 3 more weeks of school left, well for the spring anyway. I will only get a week off and then I am back to Corvallis for the summer session of anatomy! Honestly, I am really excited to be here for the summer. It should be very laid back, and I will get a chance to settle into my new house. That is one new thing; I am moving into a real house! No more dorms, or co-ops, but a real house with a back yard, a kitchen, a living room, and a bedroom with my own bed in it.....oh and I will get to cook for myself as well! I cannot wait.


This was very short, but I have to run to organic chemistry now...I think we are getting our midterms back today. I will write more later. Hope everyone is doing well! Much love to you all.